Lying In State

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    Meet State's Most Mediocre Officer L. Jess Fonitin. Jess made a robustly adequate contribution to the international air guitar freeedom report. Are you air guitaring the clearance page? His work for a visiting delegation of congressional staffers was hailed as "Just Fine." Here's your per diem. Okay. Thanks. That's just fine. Jess demonstrated a moderate level of competence in the local language. Icky icky. Shamalama ding dong! Why does he demand my lemur? While his entry in the embassy chili cookoff was not a finalist, it offended nobody. It's not too salty... that is true... Jess brings to all his diplomatic work the operational effectiveness of one full functioning kidney. Hey it's all your really need!

    Lying In State | June 2019

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    Results of the Embassy Bongolia Staff Survey. 62% would like more regular visits from the regional declutterization officer. My deputy assistant secretary action figures no longer spark joy. 62% say the cafeteria should have weekly specials that are not flying squirrel vindaloo. Szpeshal! 88% are conviced ambassador phlogbit's pompadour is actually a piece. 38% are "mildly annoyed" that online cybersecurity training is a distraction from online videos of cute baby goats. Omigosh, he's wearing little pajamas! 94% think political officer O. Ogden Tickell could be just a bit less smarmy.

    Lying In State | May 2019

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    Lying In State | April 2019

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    It's Employee Rating Time: A few examples of Inadmissible Statements. "A would-be lothario with delusions of adequacy as a consular officer, Darren demonstrates a high level of operational effectiveness as a member of the embassy dodgeball team. "As Warthog headed overlord of the political section, Xlothozar (wrath be upon his doubters) devours the souls of his adversaries. He might consider breath mints." "Being a jellyfish, Aurelian may be a member of the oldest multi-organ animal group, but his lack of a central nervous system and persistently gelatinous nature can slow his drafting of memos." "Tyra analyzes and defines complex policy issues, and it would be even better if she did it without the use of therapy gum." "Hansel combines mastery of U.S. policy objectives with the beefcakiness of a young Ambassador Bluestone and a serious case of Alektorophobia."

    Lying In State | March 2019

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    Lying in State: What did you do during the shutdown? I arranged my socks by level of whimsy. I alphabetized my lanyard drawer! "I tracked down bigfoot, but he was non-excepted, so he had to stay home." Hey, I don't make the rules. "I waited and waited and waited to take the mandatory mechanical bull management course." I learned to deliver talking points using semaphore flags! Is this about the security council bake off? "I informed alien invaders that their conquest of earth would have to wait for 'business as usual'!" Hey, I don't make the rules.

    Lying In State | February 2019

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